How would Mike Myers, as Linda Richman, approach the Marty Golden and Michael Grimm scandals and the threat of Ebola — and still keep it light and airy enough to segue into Barbra Streisand being “...like buttah” ?
He-She would do it by asking some serious questions about talking to Golden and Grimm without wearing HAZMAT suits — and wondering if Golden and/or Grimm would make as much sense when they were talking about their legal problems as a delirious Ebola patient talking about the same thing
Sometimes as I sit and think what I really want out of my life, I say to myself: “Galewyn Massey, my boy, what would your father, Gail Wynand Massey, who married and divorced your mother, Dominique Francon Neal, before he blew his brains out, say if he knew that he had a ginger-haired little semi-bastard like yourself walkin’ around and being a useless waste of space and breath. Then I think of a happier times and places, where I am just like Mike Myers, before he went Hollywood and got corrupted. If I let myself go, I can even see myself as Linda Richman, with long painted finger nail tips, big hair, big tinted glasses and a deliciously hideous printed dress with a tacky faux-gold long neckless and cocktail rings doing her afternoon talk show, “Coffee Talk with Linda Richman.”
So tonight, I thought I’d do a guest spot on my own blog, sort of like Norman Bates occasionally did at his motel, when taxidermy was no loner enough — as my own take on Myers’ Linda Richman. It would sort of go something like this:
" ******** Before we get into our normal discussion of dogs, daughters, and lofts over our morning coffee; and before anybody mentions how Barbra Streisand's voice and hands and face are all like buttah, I need to step into the little girls powder room to adjust my spanx (I know it’s an anachronism, but my fantasy IS happening in 2014, not in the early ’90s, and a girl, even an old bird like Linda Richman, does want to look her best).
" ******** So discuss among yourselves: IF YOU HAD A CHOICE OF TALKING TO A DELIRIOUS EBOLA PATIENT, AND YOU COULD WEAR A HAZMAT SUIT WHILE YOU DID IT — OR — YOU COULD TALK TO THE REPUBLICAN-CONSERVATIVE CANDIDATES FOR RE-ELECTION, CURRENTLY UNDER THE GUN FOR VARIOUS FINANCIAL IRREGULARITIES CONNECTED TO THEIR FORMER BUSINESSES, TO WIT: MARTY GOLDEN AND MICHAEL GRIMM — WHOM WOULD YOU PICK TO TALK TO ?
" ******** OH, JUST TO BE CLEAR, YOU WOULDN’T BE ALLOWED TO WEAR THE HAZMAT SUIT IF YOU CHOSE TO TALK TO GOLDEN AND GRIMM....
" ******** And if I take extra long powdering my nose, because I feel like I have a little shpilkis in my genechtagazoink, talk about this too: WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE, GOLDEN AND GRIMM TALKING ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS WITH THE U.S. ATTORNEY — OR — THE DELIRIOUS EBOLA PATIENT TALKING ABOUT GOLDEN'S AND/OR GRIMM'S PROBLEMS WITH THE U.S. ATTORNEY ? *******"
I’m sure that Gail Wynand Massey would rather that I were Mike Myers; even if it were when he dressed up like Linda Richman, instead of the ginger-haired semi-bastard that I am, short -- but with a resemblance to Gary Cooper; but only if I could get some serious answers to the questions above, as Mike Myers-Linda Richman.